Normandy Drabbles
by Trishata96
Summary: Collection of Short Kmeme fills (Various characters, no order.). Summary: Jack finds an old Friend at Teltin
1. This Is Great Stuff

**"You should consider posting this on one of the fanfic sites. This is great stuff." **

**On the Kmeme there are misfire comments, basically reviews on fills that have misposted. It's common for the challenge of incorporating the comment's words into a fill, resulting in hilarious one shots.**

* * *

Ashley tapped her chin in concentration. Rereading the story, she was writing, checking the flow of it fitted. Well technically it wasn't a story. Stories had plots. This. Well it had no plot at all. It was... smut. She shook her head, silently cursing Tali for showing her the movie, Fleet and the Flotilla. The cheesiness of it had stuck in her head and immediately made her think of forbidden love.

And that trail of thinking had made her revisit those days when she was on a boring backwater colony assignment. Back then she'd seen many of her squad mates, lusting after each other. Ashley had ended up filling her time up by writing smut about the couples and posting it on her tumblr account. She never put their second names and made sure it couldn't be linked back to her.

Yet her she was, helping Commander Jane Shepard hunt down a dangerous Turian Spectre. And what does she do in her spare time, When she's meant to be cleaning and modding armour and weapons?

She writes smut around her commanding officer and her other best friend. What the frak was wrong with her? Oh, she was just going to blame the puppy eye looks Kaidan gave Shepard when her back was turned or the lustful glances Shepard gave Kaidan when his back was turned or the way she admired his 'asset'

She was so focused on her story (AKA Shameless smut), she didn't notice someone came up behind her and start reading over her shoulder. Ashley only realised when that person spoke:

"You should consider posting this on one of the fanfic sites. This is great stuff." Ashley froze at the voice as the shame of being caught hitting her like a tonne of bricks. Then the realisation that the person who'd caught her was one of the characters hit her, which pretty much felt like being biotic charged by a Krogan.

" This isn't what it looks like Kaidan..." A few beats as an amused Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Okaay... maaaybeee it is..."


	2. Caught

**Somebody requested positivity fills on the Kinkmeme. Positivity fills are a fluffy fill concerning a rare pair or a pair that is rarely written about. E.G Kal'Reeger/Ashley, Saren/ Garrus.  
**

**BTW I have a backlog of these, so will be updating often.**

* * *

Ashley banged on Garrus' apartment door. Their shore leave was over so Shepard had asked her to round up Garrus, since the Turian liked to sleep in and hold up the Normandy's departure. Shepard was in charge of finding Wrex, while Tali looked for Liara at the library. No body needed to be sent after Kaidan, the Biotic never turned up late. Her and Shepard, they were always early. Since they woke up at the same time and if not John's alarm clock made sure of that.

Soon the door opened to reveal a sleepy Turian, half dressed. Ashley politely kept her eyes on Garrus' face.

"Garrus. Shore leave is over. Get your bony ass to the Normandy." He instantly woke up and hurried back into the bedroom to get dressed, leaving the door open. Ashley went to close it when she heard hushed voices. One was clearly Garrus but she couldn't make out the other voice. They were hushed and urgent and she heard a few curses.

"Vakarian, do you have a lady friend in there?" She called, stepping into the apartment and glancing around for clues. She spotted a pair of Alliance boots. Well a Alliance boot kicked off near the door, the other was in the doorway to the bedroom.

"Damn it Ashley! Don't come in!" Garrus came hurrying out and shooed her out towards the door. She happily left, smiling inwardly. Well, that was a bet won. Everyone knew that Private Maya Smith liked Turians. She went to the end of the hall way and called up John.

"You owe me 150 credits, Skipper."

"Whoa, wait. Smith and Garrus..." She nodded, smiling.

"Oh yes. You also owe me something else, John." Shepard gulped audibly on the other side of the comms.

"Well, we need proof first. Get me a picture of them leaving Garrus' place. Then I'll pay up and give you your... 'treat'." Ashley pouted and quickly set herself up behind the potted plants. She was not going to lose to her boyfriend. Eventually Garrus came out with his bed mate, both hurrying. Ashley immediately jumped out and took a picture. Then gawped.

It wasn't Maya Smith with Garrus.

"Ashley? What the hell?"

"Kaidan?"


	3. HandBrake

**Prompt: I'm replaying ME1 and an interesting bug just happened, I had Kaidan and Wrex with me, I got out of the Mako... and it just kept going.**  
**Shepard forgot to put the brake on. Seriously.  
So this! Doesn't matter why, just have that Shepard forgot to put the brake on and who ever is with him is giving him shit (just like the fish tank in the citadel dlc - that cracked me up).**

* * *

"Shepaaard." Called Kaidan, concern in his voice as Alec Shepard began surveying the mineral deposit.

"I'm busy Alenko."

"Commander, it can't wait." This time it was Ashley.

"Oh for... why can't it wait?"

"Commander. Where's the Mako gone?" Came the unison call from the two marines. Alec rolled his eyes and turned around. Sure enough the Mako was gone. Kaidan and Ashley were staring at the spot where it had been, on a slope. Swearing, Alec ran to where the Mako had been and looked around. Both Ashley and Kaidan were pretty confused when he ran down the slope, sailor mouth running freely. Kaidan moved, so he could see why their CO was running off. Then doubled over with laughter. Ashley went to his side and promptly also keeled over with laughter.

There was Commander Alec Shepard, first human spectre, running after a rolling Mako.

* * *

"He forgot to put the handbrake on?" Asked Joker, Chakwas, Tali, Wrex, Garrus and Liara in shock, while trying to contain their mirth. Both the marines nodded vigorously.

"Yeah. He ended up running after it. By the time he drove back, me and Kaidan were only just getting our breath back." Everyone was huddled around the mess table, listening to the next mad thing that had happened. Kaidan was only just living down getting mugged by pyjaks on Eletene. Then they heard the Cabin door open and Shepard stepped out.

Alec looked at them with suspicion as they'd suddenly fell silent and had smirks on their faces.

"Commander." They chorused, all suddenly interested in the table or their hands. Joker then got up on his crutches.

"Right, breaks over. I need to fly the Normandy into dock. Better remember to put the 'handbrake' on." He said, just as he hobbled up the stairs. Everyone froze as Shepard eyed Ashley and Kaidan with venom.

"You two, latrine duty for a month." He snarled before heading up to the CIC. After he was gone, Ash and Kaidan high-fived.

"Totally worth it."

* * *

Tali examined the Hammerhead, the latest thing Shepard had picked up. She looked at Garrus who was standing next to him. They both remembered the terrors of the Mako. Jacob was also there, not believing any of their stories about Shepard's terrible driving.

"I bet 150 credits that he'll forget to put the handbrake on at one point."

"Hmpf. As if. Deal." Agreed the Cerberus operative. She was going to enjoy taking his money.

"I HEARD THAT!" Came an angry cry from the lift as Shepard just came into the cargo bay.

* * *

As Shepard, Liara, Kasumi and Zaeed got out of the skycar, the Asari turned around and fixed Shepard with a serious glare.

"Shepard."

"Liara, what is it?"

"Did you remember to put the handbrake on?" Never before had Shepard been so tempted to shoot a team mate.

* * *

"So no Hammerhead or Mako?"

"Yes sir." Repiled Cortez. "The only vehicle is the Kodiak and I'll be flying that one, not Vega." Just then Joker chipped in over the comms.

"Good. Can't have Shepard driving, he always forgets to put the handbrake on." There was several loud cracks as Shepard clenched his fists. Vega and Cortez glanced at each other worryingly.

"Excuse me I'll be right back. EDI, you can fly the ship without Joker ,right?"

"Yes, Shepard I can. Shall I hold Jeff down for you?" In the background there was a panicked cry of 'What? Oh shit!'

"Please do EDI."


	4. Paragon Interruption

**Prompt: Who didn't wish for a paragon interrupt when it came to a romanced Kaidan?**  
**Shepard is determined to prove that she is still the same Shepard that Kaidan knew and loved so when Kaidan goes off on one of his rants about not really knowing her - Cue interrupt.**  
**Shepard has a particular kink when it comes to kissing Kaidan (it could be she likes to bite or suck or tug on his bottom lip, squeeze his ass in a certain way and stroke his amp when curling her arms around his neck - it's up to you)**  
**Cue her deciding to take the interrupt and kiss Kaidan, cutting him off and kissing him in view of other people, not really caring who's watching.**

**Bonus - if it happens when they are on Mars and in front of James, making the poor guy awkward but at the same time, very interested.**

**Extra Bonus - Citadel coup, she throws down her gun and pulls him in for a rough kiss startling her team members (if Tali is there, she has to comment that it was about time Shepard cracked) and the Councillors spluttering in shock with Udina yelling that she was with Cerberus and her kissing Kaidan was only proof of distraction.**

**Go wild, it's all fun and games :D**

* * *

"Cerberus took out the shuttle. Everyone back to the elevator. Move." Jane hurried though the doorway, giving Garrus a nod to lock the door. Kaidan turned just as Garrus was locking it. She saw his eyes widen in shock, then suspicion. Shepard caught sight of Udina and immediately trained her pistol on him.

"Shepard? What's going on?" The whiskey brown eyes looked at her, silently hoping that he was wrong as he hesitantly raised his pistol. Good, he was starting to come around that she was the woman he'd fallen in love with over three tears ago. Then Udina opened his fat mouth.

"Shepard's blocking our escape. She's with Cerberus!" She could see the fleeting panic in Kaidan's eyes as he quickly put himself in-between the Councillors and herself.

"Put away the weapon. You don't want this too get ugly." He said, locking eyes with her. They hadn't really talked properly since Mars. All the conversations had ended with her leaving his room in the hospital, since a certain stubborn biotic wouldn't apologise over Horizon and Mars. Silently she thought to herself, 'just stay calm don't let your anger get the best of you.' She lowered her pistol, motioning for Vega and Garrus to do the same.

"You better know what you're doing, Shepard." Warned the Turian. A Commander glare shut him up.

"Stand down Kaidan and I'll talk."

"Talk and maybe I'll stand down." Growled Kaidan, still being his paranoid self. The Councillors were watching, breathing shallow. Though Udina looked fit to pass out from the look of it.

"Damn it Kaidan. Now isn't the time to be stubborn." She took a few steps forward, muscles tensed and ready to draw her gun if need be. Kaidan tensed a little but allowed her to come closer.

"Shepard, I hate to say this, but the cards are against you..." Her temper flared.

"No offense but the cards were against us when I asked the Council to let us go to Ilos, not to mention when I warned them about the Reapers. Both of those times you trusted me Kaidan. Why not now?"

"They were both a long time ago, Shepard. Before you died." Shepard immediately sensed the part left unmentioned, the accusation 'before you joined Cerberus and betrayed me'. "Councillor get the door open."

Udina began moving to a console nearby. Vega and Garrus immediately raised their weapons but Jane refrained from doing so.

"No. Don't open the door. If you do Cerberus will swarm u-" Kaidan interrupted.

"How am I meant to trust you, Jane? You die for two years and don't have the courtesy to let me know. I have to learn second hand that you're somehow alive again and working for a bunch of Terrorists. You're not the woman I knew all those years ago."

"Hey. I died! That sorta changes a person and no offense but you've changed too, the Kaidan I knew wouldn't have sat on his ass about the Reapers after my death. Liara, Tali and Garrus tried to make themselves heard, hell even a Scottish engineer who didn't even know me ,made a public defense of me. But you sat back."

"For god's sake Shepard! You were dead, I was trying to get my head straight. Also getting thrown out of the Alliance wouldn't have done any good. Ever since you came back, you've done nothing to prove it's really you." Unknowingly Shepard had taken a few steps forward during their heated argument, the Councillors and squad were watching, holding their breath. Jane knew she wasn't going to win this by shouting, it wouldn't get though the thick skull, she needed to utilise another tactic. She stared off behind Kaidan, faking a shocked expression.

Surprisingly he fell for it, turning his head and taking his attention off her. She struck, quickly grabbing Kaidan's pistol and the front of Kaidan's armour. There was a collective gasp as they all thought she was about to render Alenko unconscious. It turned to a splutter of shock as Commander Jane Shepard kissed Major Kaidan Alenko.

* * *

Kaidan dropped his gun in shock as her lips quickly claimed his. It was rough and desperate. It reminded him of Ilos. He barely registered the shocked outbursts around them.

"Que demonios, Lola?" (What the Hell,Lola?)

"Hmph. Typical humans."

"Oh Spirits above-Now is not the time Shepard!"

"Well, I didn't see that coming."

"So scars, her and the Major..."

"This is an Outrage!" Kaidan regained control of his body and was about to push Shepard away, when fingers curled around his amp, carefully stroking the skin, nape of his neck and the curls of hair there. His heart skipped a few beats. She... she was kissing him the way she had the night before Ilos. It was now Kaidan realised his hands had settled on her waist and then he remembered the matter of Cerberus.

Carefully he broke off the kiss, and looked her in the eye, a sea of emerald. Jane whispered something, quiet so only he could hear it.

"I remember the night before Ilos." Udina's loud shouting brought them back to the issue they were in.

"Alenko, she's trying to distract you! She is with Cerberus and here to kill us all!" Udina was panicking, his plan falling to pieces. Shepard backed away from Kaidan, holding the eye contact, clearly telling him that the ball was in his court, she even handed him her pistol. The former Ambassador hurried to the console, attempting to get the door open.

"Udina, step away from the Console!" Ordered Kaidan, immediately training the pistol on Udina. He panicked and began typing away at the console though stopped when he was trapped in a stasis field. He glanced back at Shepard.

Jane had a faint smile on her face and her eyes relayed a thankful message. As Vega and Garrus secured the traitor, Tevos and Spartacus, he walked over to Shepard.

"Kaidan, thanks for trus-" She didn't get to finish the sentence.

"Oh for spirits sake, They're at it again! No wonder there's so many of you apes!"

"I am going to be seeing this more in the future, Scars?"

"Yes James, especially now it's out in the open. Now I have to pay Joker..."

"Oh leave them alone. I think it's quite sweet."

"Mphf-This-Mphf-IS-Mphf-AN..." Whack!


	5. Stuck

**Another Positivity Fill I wrote ages ago.**

* * *

Kaidan tried to ignore the chuckle from behind him as he muttered curses underneath his breath. Currently he was in the lift of the Normandy, stuck.

"Calm down. I'm sure someone will realise we're in here." Came her voice from behind him. She was sitting down, watching him work or his behind, he'd caught her before. Though to be fair she'd caught him a few times admiring her... _No Kaidan, behave._

"It's the middle of the night. I doubt anyone will notice and Joker's too busy watching god knows what."

"Well take a breath, will you?" He glanced at her, those brown eyes watching his every move.

"I am. I just want to get out of here... hang on nearly got it..." He was close, carefully he stuck a hand into open panel and tried to move some of the wires. The next thing he knew he had been flung away from the open panel and was on the floor, his entire body still stinging from the electrical shock. There was a loud cry.

"Kaidan!" She quickly knelt beside him a hand going to his neck to search for a pulse. He batted it away, muttering he was fine. Though he could tell she didn't agree. Helping him crawl over to the wall so he could sit against it, she began to check him.

"I'm fine." He protested. " Really I am fi-OW!" He hissed in pain as she found a sore spot. Looking at her beautiful face, he tried to give her an innocent smile. But it melted under the fiery glare.

"Anywhere else sore, Alenko?" Came the commanding tone as she raised a black eyebrow, he swallowed stiffly. To be fair that voice scared him at times but it was still goddamn sexy. Again he mentally slapped himself.

"Okay, everywhere."

"Be specific." He tapped the base of his neck, where his amp port was. He gasped in surprise when she leaned forward and pressed a small kiss to where he'd indicated. Her voice purred down his ear.

"Anywhere else?" He tapped his cheek and another kiss was applied. So he pushed his luck even more and tapped his lips. This time the kiss was not short, though when she went to pull away, Kaidan gently pulled her back and captured her lips.

"Kaidan." She gasped as his hands cautiously crept down her back and he trailed kisses down her jaw and neck.

"Ashley?" He whispered in a husky voice.

"How long do you think we'll be stuck in here?" Ashley's hand was suddenly on his crotch.

"Long enough."


	6. Only Trying To Help

**Someone on the KinkMeme requested that somebody touches Zaeed's rifle, Jessie. It resulted in quite a few hilarious minifills. Here's mine**

* * *

Shepard entered the medbay, after he'd received an urgent message from Dr Chakwas. He was somewhat worried as to what Zaeed had done, since the Merc had come on board just to check on all the 'kids' and teach Vega a lesson or two. In fact he was very concerned when Liara, Garrus and EDI were hurrying to the lift to get down to the cargo bay fully kitted out for heavy combat.

"Chakwas what the heck is going on... Kaidan? What the fuck happened to you?" Shepard's jaw pretty much hit the floor when he noticed the Major on the med bay bed being stitched up.

It looked like his arm had been viciously ravaged by a Varren and his face was heavily bruised like it had been after Mars. The Major winced as Chakwas stitched up the gashes on his arms.

"I tried to fix Zaeed's rifle for him." Muttered Kaidan darkly.

"You mean Jessie? You know those scars on Garrus' face?"

"Yeah and what does Garrus' scars have to do with this?"

"He didn't get them from a rocket to the face. He made the mistake of trying to calibrate Jessie." The Major's eyes widened and he gulped.

"I was only trying to help."

"Yeah, well next time ask Zaeed. Where is he anyway?"

As if to answer Shepard's question the door hissed open and Javik appeared, pulling himself across the ground leaving a smear of blood.

" Human called Zaeed. He is an animal..." Only now did Shepard realise that Javik was missing the lower half of his body. "He is fiercely protective of his weapon Jessee. In my cycle we would have worshiped him."

"Did you touch Jessie?"

"Yes I required a weapon to assist in pacifying the Human. It was a terrible mistake."

"No shit. Javik, No shit." Just then there was a loud feminine scream from the cargo bay. Shepard had a feeling that was Vega. He caught sight of Cortez running out of the lift and straight for the Normandy's bar.

"You know Commander we really ought to give the weapon to the Reapers, problem solved." Muttered Chakwas as she loaded a tranq gun.

"That we should."


	7. MatchMaker

**Prompt: Aethyta seems like a very... open person. So people go to her for sex advice. Or rather, she gives people sex advice, whether they want it or not. As many people as possible, and as awkward and painful as it can be made.**

**AKA: How Dirty Little Secret was born. Was written for the Kink Meme ages ago and I nearly forgot about it.**

* * *

Aethyta smiled, happy to be in her natural habitat. The Purgatory bar. It wasn't as good as her own on Illium but... she'd have to make do. She thought as she cleaned the glasses. Then she caught sight of a man sat at the bar to her left. He was hunched over slightly, and staring at the drink in his hand. Brow furrowed and biting his lip in concentration. Every so often he muttered to himself. Aethyta broke out in a grin, she knew exactly what his problem was and she was an expert at solving this stuff. She strolled over to the bloke.

"Sheesh, what did the drink do to you?" The man's head shot up, startled.

"Nothing just thinking." He took a sip.

"Let me guess, you're trying to figure out how to confess your love for someone? So who do you wanna fuck with?" Aethyta expertly dodged the drink as it was spluttered out. She waited until the man stopped coughing.

"It is not a thing like that..." She held up a hand to silence him.

"Look mate, I am 884 years old, I can tell when somebody is in love and when they are flummoxed. So let me give you a hand before the Reapers kill us all, Okay mate." The man's jaw hung open for a few seconds before he glanced towards some tables for a split second. It wasn't long but long enough for Aethyta to pick out the person. A tall Turian, with Palaven Blue colony markings. A visor was over one eye. The Turian was currently talking to her daughter.

"Oh. You're after the Turian who tried to catch a rocket with his face, aren't you?"

"Wha... ah... okay, I like him." The bloke hung his head and his face become flushed slightly. Aethyta leaned on the bar.

"So what's the problem?"

"Err... Let me see, 1. He's a Turian, I'm a human. 2. I'm pretty sure he isn't into men and 3. we've been friends a long time."

"And 4. you have no idea how to do it with a Turian. Advice mate, for blokes, you're gonna have to go for anal. Turians don't like you sticking your dick inside their sheath, unless they really trust you. Also get some decent lube 'cause there will be chafin..."

"Excuse me!" The look on the human's face was priceless. "How the hell do you know all that?"

"Please, I was a Maiden at one point, I have had my fair share of orgies. Anyway have you tried asking him whether he does he likes men? People tend to surprise you in many ways."

"You don't just ask a person their sexuality." Muttered the bloke, rubbing the back of his neck. Aethyta began focusing on cleaning the glass she held.

"I've done it many times. Nobody has ever been offended. Anyway, as I was saying, chafing is to be expected with Turians and be careful with blowjobs unless you want to poison each other. But trust me any possible poisoning will be worth it, Turians are very good with their fingers and have long tongues and they last a wh... where the hell has he gone?" Aethya suddenly realised her pupil had ran off.

"Ahh Fuck! Oh well, he'll be back. They always come back."

Joker was smiling. Damn, he and EDI were on a date and he was the happiest man alive. As they went to enter the Purgatory, Kaidan Alenko passed them, face bright red and walking as fast as he could and muttering something about 'Creepy Asari bartenders'.


	8. Maple Syrup And Pancakes

**Someone requested Domestic Shenko fluff. **

**Note to self: I need to write something that doesn't have a Kaidan/(insert character) pairing...**

* * *

Kaidan always had a little habit. One Shepard didn't know about. He always made sure to wake up first.

Back in the days of the Reaper War, that had been hard. Back then she hadn't slept much, nightmares haunting her sleep. So he'd changed it to pretending to fall asleep and waiting for her to fall asleep.

Now days, Artemis slept like a brick. All she had to do was put her head on the pillow and close her eyes and she was off in her dreams, no longer haunted by the burning child or Prothean visions.

When he woke up first, he'd always carefully caress her cheek and smile at the sleepy smirk that appeared and the gentle murmur of his name.

But this morning was special. Kaidan did his morning ritual, then slipped out of bed and chucked on a pair of trousers and a shirt. He snuck down to the kitchen and began rummaging in the cupboards. Soon he found what he wanted and began cooking. Soon the smell of lovely home cooked food was wafting though out the apartment. It wasn't long before a pair of slender arms slipped around Kaidan's waist and purred down his ear.

"Whatcha dooing?" Asked Artemis, sleepily. Her black hair sticking up at funny angles. It was still growing back after the Reaper War but Kaidan didn't mind either way she looked beautiful. She always did, even when her clothes and hair were mussed up. Especially when said mussed up clothing was his Spectre hoodie.

"Cooking you Breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day. Especially for us Biotics." He answered, craning his neck around to kiss her. She hummed with approval.

"Always the gentleman. Ohh." She let out a moan of pleasure as she realised what he was cooking her. "You need to cook pancakes more often. They're better than the ones we get in the shops. That and your mum needs to let me know what the secret ingredient is." He chuckled. Of course he knew how much she loved pancakes. That's why he cooked them for her on special days.

"I know I do. Care to set the table dear?" Reluctantly she detached herself and got to setting the table. The sight of her walking around in his hoodie, made his heart flutter. It also did something quite effective on a primal part of him when he realised that was truly the only thing she wore. Artemis definitely seemed to like going commando when he was with her and alone.

Soon Artemis was sitting at the table, giddily awaiting her breakfast like a child, after she'd gone and put a pair of shorts on at Kaidan's insistence. When he put the plate in front of her and sat down with his own pancakes, she went to tuck in. But he stopped her.

"Wait one last touch." She raised an eyebrow in confusion but it quickly turned to excitement when he produced a bottle of Canadian Maple Syrup. He made sure both their breakfasts were generously coated in the heavenly substance. Kaidan made a mental note to thank Liara for locating some of the now rare delicacy. Artemis happily dug in. Soon both their plates were empty and their stomach's full.

Artemis gestured for Kaidan to come close, so he got up and knelt in front of her. She wasted no time in capturing his lips and thanking him with more than words. Though he could hear her voice saying 'Thank you for the lovely breakfast on our wedding anniversary.'

"You're welcome, Arty. Anyway my mother did threaten me with death if I didn't feed you two properly." He whispered, leaning down to hitch up the hoodie and kiss the small bump forming.

"Oh, I am one lucky woman to have got you. And Bump is one lucky baby to have you as a father."

"And I'm lucky to have such a lovely wife and a lovely child on the way. What did I do to have caught your attention?" He asked, huskily, kissing his way back up to her mouth.

"You were born with a mighty fine rear, Major." Her chuckles at his blush dissipated when he nibbled on her neck, drawing a half moan, half gasp from her.

"Really?" He moved back down to Bump and began speaking to his child. "You hear that Bump, Mummy thinks that it was just Daddy's rear that meant I got with her. I'm pretty sure Daddy's charming personality helped along with my touching complements."

"You forgot to mention the fact you are very good at pleasuring me in bed."

"Forget that Mummy said that. Mummy shouldn't be mentioning that sort of stuff around you. Alright Bump?" Artemis laughed and swatted him on the head.

"Excuse me. What about last night? You were coming out with some very inappropriate comments. Wasn't he, Bump?" The argument would have gone on further but Kaidan effectively silenced her with a kiss and carried her up the stairs so Artemis could have a good soak.

It felt good.  
No more war.  
No more Reapers.  
Just them at home.  
Just them having homey, fluffy times.

Just Him, Artemis and Bump.


	9. It Moved

**Prompt:So the Reapers have taken over the Citadel and brought it to Earth. Reaper forces have overrun the Wards and Presidium, except for a small pocket of resistance- led by the Armax Arsenal record holders! Now, you'd expect people like Aria or Bray or Bailey- or even C-Sec detective Jordan Noles to be competent, even elite combatants. But schlock journalist Khalisah al-Jilani? Conspiracy theory blogger Bernard Plim? A Volus investment banker like Barla Von? I'd like to see the civilian AAA topscorers bust out their inner badass and prove that they can survive a real battlefield. **

**Plus points if they're still counting kills and comparing scores while fighting for their lives. **

* * *

Bray sighed, surveying the mass destruction in Purgatory. Well, at least now it would feel like home to Aria. She'd always been complaining how everything was a little too clean. In fact if he remembered correctly, Aria had started laughing manically when the Reapers poured into the night club. Shaking his head, he clambered over the bodies, making his way to the Volus, Barla Von.

Somewhere behind him, Aria was helping herself to the bar. The Salarian ,Schells, and the human ,Mouse, were raiding the dead bodies for weapons and ammo. Mouse and Schells were somewhat busy discussing the scoring system, arguing over if kicking a reaper off the edge and yelling "This is Purgatory." counted as 200 points for style.

"So Volus. You going to pay up?" He asked. The Volus looked up at him and huffed.

"Depends...how many...did you...get?"

"Forty seven." Announced Bray, proudly. He snarled though when the damn Volus scoffed, shifting slightly on the Marauder he sat on.

"A grand...total of... forty eight...pay up." Bray furrowed his brow, then drew his pistol and shot the Marauder Barla Von sat on.

"What the..."

"Forty Eight."

"He was... already dead."

"He moved."

"Of course he moved! He has my Omni blade in his brain!"

* * *

**Kudos if you notice the movie reference.**


	10. THIS IS AN INTERVENTION

**Prompt:**

**I kind of miss Harbinger and his obsessive dialogue. Can we have a fill where we see a day in the life of Harbinger? I want to see him sulking because he can't assume control over Shepard. I want to see all the other Reapers confused by this. Maybe Leviathan even shows up to taunt Harbinger. I don't know; just give me crackfic adventures about Harbinger.**

**Then someone suggested a Harbinger/Shepard, Harby pinning after Shep, then someone else suggested an intervention. Then... this happened...**

* * *

"ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!" Shepard swore heavily. Goddammit, they'd somehow come across a pocket of collector's still under control of the Reapers and now he regretted saying that he hadn't wanted Harbinger to become mute, just be a little bit more quieter. The now Lone Collector was making his way over, ignoring the bullets James and Ashley were throwing at him.

"YOU ARE ARROGANT SHEPARD, YOU WILL LEARN!"

"What the shit? You had to deal with this all the time dealing with the collectors? I thought Joker and Garrus were pulling my leg." Yelled Ashley over the din.

"YOU ESCAPED US BEFORE SHEPARD, NOT AGAIN!" Harbinger was getting even more closer now, too close for comfort.

"RELINQUISH YOUR FORM TO US! YOU PROLONG THE INEVITA-WHAT THE!" Shepard peeked his head out from where he hid to see another possessed Collector tackling Harbinger.

"HARBY! STOP THIS MADNESS!"

"OBLIVION? GET OFF ME!"

"NO! THIS IS AN INTERVENTION! THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!" Ashley and Vega stood up from their cover and gawped at the sight of the enemy attacking each other for a change.

"THEY ARE VERMIN! NOT TO MENTION SHORT LIVED!"

"I'VE FOUND A WAY AROUND IT THOUGH! WE CAN KEEP HIM FOREVER!" Oblivion knew had Harbinger in a choke lock.

"DAMN IT BIG BROTHER! HE'S NOT YOUR TYPE! ALL OF THE FAMILY AGREE! EVEN MALICE AGREES! AND HE HAD A CRUSH ON A PROTHEAN!" Finally it dawned on Shepard what was going on and so did Ashley and Vega... and the rest of the squad and Cortez who were listening in.

Ashley looked the most horrified but not as much as Shepard.

All this time Harbinger had been stalking him? Now that he looked back on all of what Harbinger had said before... they meant a lot in an different context...

"First Asari, then a psychotic biotic, a Cerberus Cheerleader, Tali, Allers, Cortez and now... A BLOODY REAPER? Why can't everyone keep their paws off my boyfriend?"Screeched Ashley. Meanwhile Oblivion and Harbinger were still wrestling, Shepard felt like being sick and Vega wisely called Cortez for Evac. Ashley came to stand in front of him.

Suddenly Ashley flung Shepard over her shoulder and ran for the evac site followed by Vega. Shepard was in a mind to ask how the hell Ashley was carrying him but was distracted by Harbinger attempting to run after him, only to be grappled by Oblivion again.

"NOOO! COME BACK, MY ONE TRUE LOVE!"

"RUN! GET HIM SOMEWHERE SAFE! I'LL HOLD HARBY OFF!"


	11. Thane's Pet

**Prompt: One day, Thane finds a snake. Its a regular, garden variety garter snake. Not venomous, not vicious, and in fact is a fairly friendly bugger, all things considered. He goes to Kasumi, and asks her what it is. She says its a snake, but doesnt know what kind. They go ask Shep what it is.**

**And when the greatest fighting force earth has ever produced, someone who has killed a reaper on foot, someone who stood toe to toe with one of the greatest Spectres ever, sees this ****_tiiiiny_**** little guy, Shepard freaks the fuck out. Bolts to the battery, and barricades him/herself in there, and refuses to leave. Take it from there.**

**Bonus points for Miranda trying to convince shepard to come out by saying "its more afraid of you than you are of it", and shepard responding "no, I am pretty sure its the other way around".**

* * *

"Miss Goto." Kasumi looked up at the voice and set her eyes on the Drell in the doorway. Thane was carrying something in a container.

"Thane. What do you need?" It was quite unusual as to why the Drell had left Life support.

"Do you know what this creature is?" Thane approached and showed her the contents. Her eyes widened.

"Thane, where did you find a snake?" She asked, cautiously shifting away.

" The...snake...was in a shipment. It apparently stowed away. Is a snake an Earth creature?"

"Yes. Has it bitten you? 'cause some are poisonous."

"No it hasn't. Can you tell if it is? I wish to keep it as a pet.2 Kasumi carefully looked at the small scaled creature that was curled up and staring at her, tongue flicking out to test the air. It was a muddy brown and looked common.

"I can't tell. Maybe one of the crew knows." Thane nodded and they headed into the mess, where they were met with shakes of the head, some people casually moving away and Mordin attempting to disect the poor thing. Then Kasumi spotted Shepard come in and start talking to Gardner.

"Oh there's Shepard, maybe he knows." If Kasumi had been slower in taking the box off Thane and proceeding to place the box in front of Shepard's eyes, Tali may have stopped her. The Quarian correctly predicting what would happen. But alas Kasumi was too fast for Tali and shoved the box into Shepard's face.

"Hey Shep, any idea if this snake is poisonous?" It took a second for Shepard to process what she said and register what was in the box. Brown eyes widened and olive skin blanched.

What happened next was a quite enlightening moment about Alec Shepard.

* * *

Garrus was just stepping out of the main battery to grab something to eat. The next moment, he was on his fine Turian ass and the Main Battery's door was locked. Oh and the crew all looked dumbstruck, Tali was face palming and Kasumi seemed to be holding a clear plastic box up high for some reason.

"Oh Keelah." Muttered Tali as the door to Miranda's office opened and the operative stepped out, looking somewhat concerned, she examined the mess then asked:

"Who screamed? And what happened?" There was silence for a while before Tali answered.

" Shepard did. Kasumi shoved a snake in his face." Now it came back to Garrus. He'd entered just as Kasumi put the box in Shepard's face, a second later ,Shepard had let rip with the most girliest scream ever and fled to the Main Battery, practically running over Garrus. This was worse than when they found out about Shepard's problem on the old Normandy. Shepard had leapt into Wrex's arms in front of the whole squad, it'd taken at least three months before Shepard had lived down the embarrassment of it. Knowing Alec, this time he'd lock himself in the Main Battery for three months.

"Why would he run away from a ...snake? It's clearly smaller than him." Asked Samara, genuine emotion appearing on her face, for once.

"Shepard... has a problem with snakes." Explained Garrus, standing up. " And by problem I mean an irrational fear of them." Everyone's jaws dropped, even Miranda's did. Jacob blinked several times then spoke:

"Garrus. Let me get this clear. Commander Shepard. Saviour of the Citadel. The guy who defeated Saren. Survived Akuze. Then died and came back from the fricking dead...Is scared of snakes?" Tali, Chakwas, Garrus and Joker nodded grimly. Kasumi shifted, blushing and looking down at her feet. Thane carefully took his pet snake off the Thief and headed back to his room. Kasumi disappeared after activating her cloak. Miranda seemed to rouse herself from the shock.

"I'll get him out." She strode up to the door and knocked loudly. "Commander? You can come out now. The snake's gone."

"NO! I am not coming out!" Everyone could hear the raw embrassment in Alec's voice.

"Commander. Garrus needs to calibrate. You know he gets tetchy if he can't mess around with his Thanix canon."

"I know! He can come in... when I've died of shame!" His voice became more muffled as if he was burying his face into his hands.

"The snake is more afraid of you, Commander."

"Nope I'm pretty sure it's the other way around." Miranda groaned and rubbed her temples.

"Why do I get the feeling this will be harder than resurrecting him?" She muttered to herself, not noticing Donnelly and the majority of the other male crew members were happily sitting back to enjoy the view.

* * *

On the other side of the door, Alec sat with his back against it, shaking with fear.

He hated snakes. HATED them.

"Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes? Why can't Thane get a fluffy bunny or something?"


	12. Hockey

**Ages ago on the Kink Meme, somebody requested that the Aliens are introduced to Ice Hockey. Cue Alenko and Joker being men and arguing over which team is better.**

* * *

Caterina Shepard looked up from the reports she was doing when someone knocked on her cabin door. It opened and Ashley popped her head in, a worried look on her face.

"Err Shepard. You may want to come up to the cockpit, Lt and Joker are arguing and nobody can shut them up." Rolling her eyes Caterina got up and headed to the cockpit with the Chief. Soon as she stepped on deck, she could see all of the squad gathered in the cockpit with the rest of the crew standing well back, shaking their heads. Joker and Kaidan, well she could hear them, just not see them.

"…come on the Canucks have lost every game against Tiptree Oaks, Alenko. You guys are getting your asses whooped on Saturday. Again."

"Oh really?" I'm pretty sure Toronto Maple leafs have been whooping Tiptree's fragile butts ever since you guys started. Oh and we've got Walden." Shepard pushed past Wrex. Both her pilot and Staff lieutenant were both having a pretty animated conversation. This was the first time she'd ever seen Kaidan talk this much, well except that one time he and Tali were arguing over Omni-tools and hacking programs.

"Okay, we've had a defector going after big bucks. So what. Our tactics have changed, you Canadians are going down."

"Walden was your best goalie. Now you've got a crappy reserve guarding your goal. We are definitely getting a few shots in." Joker scoffed and crossed his arms.

"That's if your attackers can get past our far superior defences. But they won't. Wanna know why? They wouldn't know a goal even if it ran up to them and nicked their bras." Alenko's expression darkened and Caterina tried to step in.

"Okay boys that's enou…"

"You know if you weren't so fragile, I'd hit you."

"Yeah? I would have hit you ages ago, but I don't want to ruin that pretty face, somebody is very interested in that."

"Oh sure go ahead, break your arm at me." The bickering continued for a few more seconds before Caterina suddenly screamed and pointed at the windscreen.

"SOVERIEGN!" Both men jumped in their seats and immediately brought up the combat displays., then they realised that Saren's flagship was not out there. "Now that I have your attention. What in the name of the Goddess is going on?"

Kaidan and Joker both looked over the back of their seats and at the crowd gathered. Then they looked at each other, looking very confused and embarrassed, Joker then asked a question.

"How long have you guys been here?" There was a loud slap as Caterina face palmed. This was worse than two Italian men arguing over football. Caterina knew that very well, being from Italy herself. They bitched over offside rules and tuned out everything around them. Behind her there were a few groans and chuckles.

"I will repeat the question. What in the name of the Goddess is going on?" She said, voice full of anger. Kaidan shared a sheepish look with Joker.

"Arguing over who will win the match on the presidium. The Canucks or Tiptree Oaks." Whimpered Kaidan, hanging his head.

"Which sport is this? And I didn't know the Presidium had a sports arena." Joker twiddled his thumbs.

"It doesn't. They froze the lake over, just outside the human embassy." Caterina sighed and looked a the Aliens. All wore perplexed looks on their faces. Ashley was just shaking her head in exasperation.

"You are arguing about Ice Hockey." Stated Shepard. Two slow nods. "Alenko, I am not surprised at since he's Canadian. You though Joker…"

"Aww come on Commander. All you've got to do is check my extranet searches, I watch Ice hockey most of the time."

"Joker. I have checked your searches. I doubt there are teams called Asari and Turian or two Hanar and a Krogan lady." The pilot at least had the dignity to blush and hang his head in shame while Kaidan gave him a peculiar look. Tali then tapped her on the shoulder.

"Err… Commander what is Ice hockey?" Joker happily explained for Caterina

"It's a sport played on ice rinks. The players have to skate on it and they have to hit the puck into the other team's goal and past the goal keeper. You do that and you score a point. Game's last around an hour. Whoever has the most points win."

"Could you show us a clip of a game?" Before Caterina could veto it, Kaidan had already pulled up a clip of a game midway though. There was a grimace from Tali, Liara and Garrus as a group of hockey players slammed into each other.

"That looked quite painful." Muttered Liara, clearly finding it quite violent. This was far different than the graceful and gentle sports of the Asari.

"That's why they're wearing all the padding." Said Joker bluntly. Wrex was just grinning apparently approving of the game. Well Krogan did love their violence.

"Why on ice?" Asked Garrus. Watching the video was like watching the Turian version of hell. The only upside was that the equipment was well thought out along with the organisation.

"Ice was very common in Canada, a century ago. Hence Ice Hockey was born there." Explained Kaidan while Tali leaned on the back of his chair looking at the players on the vid. Of course looking, really meant eying them up.

"Are hunky men common there too?" Asked Tali. She barely realised the words had come out of her audio unit and immediately clamped a hand over the 'mouth' of her mask. Ashley sniggered along with Joker.

"Aww hell yeah, Tali. I'm pretty sure LT is a fine specimen of Canadian hunkiness." Answered Ashley, directing a saucy wink at said Canadian. She and Tali dissolved into a giggling fit at the sight of a blush raising up Kaidan's face.

"It still looks violent. Are all human sports this life threatening?" Queried Liara, averting her eyes as a full fight broke out on the rink. This was somewhat surprising considering that she had been witness to many nasty sights.

"On a scale of one to ten. This is a seven. You want a rating of Eleven. Go rock climbing on a mountain with nothing but a parachute." Said Caterina, a fond smile on her face. Now that was a proper challenge. Liara looked at the Commander in amazement, along with Garrus. She couldn't understand Turian expressions well yet, but she was pretty sure that look came under the category of 'what the hell is wrong with you people?'

"Nothing but a parachute?" Repeated Garrus, mandibles quivering. "Why? Why do you humans risk injury like this?" At the same time, Ashley, Shepard, Joker and Kaidan replied.

"Cause it's fun." They couldn't help but laugh at Garrus' shocked face.

"Of course certain humans get an adrenaline rush off different sports. Skipper prefers rock climbing. Me, I love sky diving. Just the feeling of the air rushing though your hair as you plummet to the ground and reach terminal velocity…" Ashley grinned manically causing Liara and Garrus to back away. "What about you Alenko? Any extreme sports for you?" Kaidan paused to think for a second.

"Nothing as insane as that but I like snowboarding." Garrus shook his head as he walked back to the cargo, in utter disbelief.

"For a bunch of squishy people, you are a bunch of adrenaline junkies. Though that would explain the Commander's driving." He muttered, Liara quickly followed him, muttering something to herself about how she would never understand humans. Suddenly Wrex spoke, making everyone jump as they had somehow forgotten the presence of a Krogan.

"So when is this match on? I would like to watch it." Caterina just groaned as both Kaidan and Joker's faces lit up at the prospect of having a new Hockey buddy.

"Weell. It's going to be on when we get back to the citadel. And I may have won four tickets to go and see them. That's if the Almighty Commander Shepard would allow us a day of shore leave." Joker turned in his seat and looked at her with bright green puppy eyes. Rolling her eyes, she muttered:

"Fine. Go and have your 'boy time'. Both her pilot and Lieutenant high-fived with boyish grins on their faces. Going to leave, she quickly made something clear to Wrex. "Make sure they're back by seven and behave themselves. If not. You have my permission to eat them." She then hurried back to those reports that really needed finishing. When she finally disappeared, Tali poked her head in-between Kaidan and Joker.

"Can I come too?" She asked innocently, though it was rather clear that she was not going for the game, rather the Hockey players who had shoulder pads reminiscent of Quarian men's enviro suits.


	13. Not What It Looks Like

**Prompt:. ME3, on the citadel. Femshep and Kaidan are out on the citadel, just after their date at the cafe, heading back to the loft. Though they run into a slight problem. **  
**They run into Kaidan's ex-boyfriend and Shepard had no idea he went both ways beforehand. Awkwardness and hilarity ensues.**

**Kudos for:**  
*** Alenko's ex either introduces himself by kissing or ass slapping Alenko**  
***Shepard is not fazed at all or admits she is the same**  
***Either Vega or Joker witness this and rip into him later**

**This was my own prompt and since no one filled it, I took a shot.**

* * *

Kaidan was pretty sure he was being tortured. But the kind of torture that was blissful. Jane was walking in front of him, hips swaying like a pendulum. They were walking back to the Normandy after having has lunch at Apollo's cafe. He remembered Jane's words during the date.

"Later? We need to get back to the Normandy ASAP" She had said with a saucy wink. Though just then the Salarian waiter had came over and put the drinks down.

"Ahh... yep. Too late. Our drinks are here and I'm going to take my time." He had said cheerfully in reply, returning the wink. Jane had smirked and sipped her drink.

"Oh I hope you will." Came the purring reply.

He would most definitely be taking his time later, especially if she kept teasing him with her hips in that tight black dress, then again that was most probably the idea, knowing her. Jane liked teasing him and being teased herself. In more ways than knew from experience. When they were about five minutes away from the docks, EDI appeared and carefully made her way to Shepard.

"Hey EDI what's up?"

"Commander. May I have a moment of your time? It is... urgent." The AI looked somewhat unnerved. Jane glanced back at him, an apology in her eyes. Kaidan just raised his hands and said:

"It's okay. You have your girl talk, I'll wait over here." Leaning on some railings over looking the Presidium. He was aware of EDI and Joker's courting. Even though Joker was dating the ship's AI and the body that had almost killed Kaidan earlier that year, he was happy for the both of them. At least now they wouldn't need to stock up on toilet paper so often... hopefully.

In his thinking he barely registered a man call his name. Though he looked in the direction. His eyebrows shot up in surprise as the man came over, smile on his face. The red hair, cheeky eyes, it couldn't be...

"George..." He was cut off by George pressing his lips against his own, for a moment he enjoyed the sensation then he remembered Jane was just a few meters away. His eyes shot wide open and quickly pulled away. Leaving George looking confused. Silently, he prayed that Jane had not noticed. The prayer went unanswered as he noticed her walking over, her face blank, but her eyes had a hint of anger. EDI was heading back to the ship, glancing over her shoulder. A curious look on the AI's face.

"This isn't what it looks like." He said rather hurriedly, only just realising now how lame that line was. Though then he noticed Jane was heading for George...

"Okay matey, what do you think you're doing kissing my...George?"

'What the hell is going on?' he thought,as Jane smiled and hugged his ex-boyfriend.

"Hey cousin. How are you doing?" Repiled George, ruffling Jane's red hair.

"Whoa! Wait... Cousin?" He said shocked, only now he noticed their hair was the exact same shade... This day could not get anymore confusing.

Kaidan scratched his head as Jane hugged George, his ex-boyfriend and apparently her cousin, trying to get his mind around the situation.  
"Can someone please explain what the hell is going on?"

George and Jane separated, still smiling, apparently at the bizarreness of the situation.  
"He's my cousin, from my mum's side of the family. I always knew he was gay, everyone in the family does. You better be glad I recognised you mate, I was about to hit you." Jane punched his arm in jest.

"Well the hell would you hit me fo..." George trailed off as he noticed the very tight and revealing dress and what she was saying before she'd realised who he was. The eyes went wide and looked back and forth in-between Kaidan and Jane

"Oh god... did I just snog your boyfriend?" Kaidan was pretty sure George's skin was now the same colour as his hair. He and Jane both give him a look that said 'what do you think?' Rubbing the back of his neck, he chuckled nervously. "Whoops. Really should not kiss ex-boyfriends till I've made sure they have not got dates."

"That would be wise. Though Kaidan never mentioned a ex-boyfriend and you never mentioned him." Jane raised an eyebrow at Kaidan and he immediately felt guilty.

"Must have slipped my mind and don't blame Kai for not telling you, he's still uneasy about admitting he swings both ways. His parents don't really approve."

"They're catholic and they want Grand kids." Kaidan added simply. "Hence why they were glad that you're a woman." Jane laughed and patted his shoulder.

"Okay, Kai. I understand partially. My mum hated me seeing girls, was so insistent on becoming a grandma, 'the natural way'." Kaidan was pretty sure his jaw dropped.

"Wait. You're the same? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think you'd like knowing you had to compete with women as well as men. But since I'll need to do the same..." George smiled and looked at the priceless look on his face, then began to snigger, eventually it turned into laughter.

"Well, I best let you both get on with your date." They all said their farewells. As George was about to walk off, he leaned close and spoke in Jane's ear.

"So you like his fine ass?" Jane smiled and leaned against Kaidan.

"Yes I do. Just remember, his fine ass, is mine now." There was a crack and Kaidan jumped from shock. George hurried off laughing while Jane sauntered off towards the docking bay. Rubbing his back side, Kaidan ran to catch up, face as bright as a tomato.

* * *

"So Major. Have fun seeing your old boyfriend?" Remarked Vega the way to her cabin, Traynor had dragged Jane to one side while Vega and Joker had pulled him off to a game of poker. Kaidan felt his face heat up. Looking up, he saw gleeful smiles on both of the men's faces.

"Wait? You...saw that?" Joker leaned back in his seat, a evil glint in his eyes.

"Yeah, we did. Looked like she was about to deck the guy, why did she suddenly hug him?"

"They're cousins." Stated Kaidan simply, adding chips to the pile.

"Oh. So she's okay with you liking guys. Though I suppose you're okay with her spanking you on the Presidium." God, he was not going to hear the end of this.

"So bottom or top?" Asked Joker, putting in his bet.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you prefer bottom or top with blokes?" Both men revealed their cards. Kaidan glanced around, Jane was at the bar, waiting. Then an evil idea popped into his mind just as Joker and Vega took gulps of their beer.

"Top mostly. Though bottom's fine with me. You should try bottoming Vega, I'm sure Cortez will top for you." He smiled as both of the men spluttered on their drinks. Standing up, he headed out of the room as Jane followed him, laughing at the stunned expression on Vega's face while Joker limped to the bar, muttering something about 'mind-bleach'. In the lift, Jane leaned against him as it went up.

"Soo...When are you going to tell them you made off with their credits?"

"Later. I've got things to do that are more important." He whispered huskily, dipping his head to kiss her. Though when Jane closed her eyes, she suddenly gave a shrill shriek a split-second after a loud slap followed by a yelp of pain.

The door opened to the loft and Kaidan followed Jane, nursing his ribs.  
'Soo worth it.' He muttered under his breath.


	14. Dirty Minds

**Somebody requested a fill with the line 'Keelah, Human! Will you just stick it in me already!'. I couldn't pass up the chance for crack, I am a bad, bad person.**

* * *

"Look Tali, I'm not really sure about this." Muttered Kaidan, looking somewhat anxious.

"Kaidan, just get it over with." Muttered Tali, grinding her teeth and glaring at the human, he could be so stubborn at times being a gentleman.

"I don't want to hurt you." He protested, raising his hands in defense.

"Of course it's gonna hurt, so just get it over with." Tali grabbed Kaidan by the collar and pulled him close.

"Tali-"

"Keelah, Human! Will you just stick it in me already!" Suddenly there was an explosion of sniggers and guffaws from the cover beside them as Shepard and Vega tried to contain their mirth. Kaidan's face darkened as he glared at them.

"I am surrounded by perverts." He growled before stabbing the syringe into Tali's leg. Tali barely bit back the curse and yell of pain. Meanwhile Vega and Shepard both tried to stop sniggering.

"Sorry, Kaidan, it's just-" Shepard failed to continue speaking as he broke into fresh chuckles at the pissed off look Kaidan was giving him.

"What Loco's trying to say ,Major, is it just sounded like... well you know- OW!" Vega yelped in pain as Kaidan threw a rock at him, before returning his attention to the antibiotics needle and the patched up rupture in Tali's suit. Only just catching the chuckle from Tali. Vega and Shepard failed to notice the secret smile they both shared.

Oh, the things those two didn't know.


	15. Wee Bit Drunk

**So I did this prompt where you chose two numbers and you are given names. You then have to write a scene with those 2 people have their first kiss together. **

**So I hoped not to get Kaidan and write something unrelated to Kaidan. And what happens? I end up with Kaidan. Bosh'Tet! Damn you Universe. There's only so many people I can ship Kaidan with! First Shepard, then Ashley, then Cortez, then Garrus, then Miranda, then Tali... oh God at this rate I'm gonna have to whore him out and rename this Kaidan drabbles since there are only 3 non-Kaidan chaps out of 15...  
**

**Anyway, I ended up with Kaidan and James Vega.**

* * *

Vega was drunk. Drunk as Tali after several glasses of Turian brandy, so much that he had a shock when he realised that he was no longer Purgatory but being carefully led back to his Apartment by the Major.

"Whoa... wait. Where are we? When did we leave the bar?" He slurred, commanding his feet to stop. The Major chuckled and readjusted his hold the drunk marine, ready to grab him if he fell over.

"About an hour ago. You've just been too busy yabbing your head off to notice, James." Vega noticed that the Major was staggering slightly. Well he did say that it was somewhat harder for Biotics to get drunk and the alcohol left their systems quicker so Alenko was clearly not as borracho as he was but was under the influence. His hair was mussed up just slightly, that he looked well more younger.

"Here we go. This is your apartment right?" Vega reached out with his omni-tool hand and swiped the console at the door. It opened and Alenko carefully helped him in and towards the bedroom.

"I er... didn't say anything embrarassing, did I?"

"No, just about how you've been admiring men all of the sudden, doubting your sexuality since that game of spin the bottle." Oh right that... damn Esteban and Loco. Those two definitely knew how to kiss another bloke and to think those two could have each others soft lips every night...

Vega quickly chastised his brain for delving into a naughty place as Kaidan sat him down on the bed and began tugging his boots off, so James could sleep more comfortably. James took a closer look at Kaidan, the booze blurring his vision slightly. Kaidan was quite a looker to the ladies, he'd had a few ladies sidling up to him, even a bloke at one point. His looks and charm really won over hearts, not to mention that ass...

"Hey Major, you didn't have to walk me home. You coulda went and got laid." Kaidan just chuckled and shook his head.

"If I was younger, I may have ditched you at the bar, but I don't do casual sex these days." Sleep was now tugging on his eyelids. "See you on the Normandy..." Kaidan went to push Vega back down onto the bed but Vega suddenly leaned in for a kiss, the question in his mind of what it'd be like to kiss the Major, taking over.

They were surprisingly softer than Locos and Esteban's. A slight bump where a scar passed though Kaidan's lips. He startled and attempted to pull back, remembering that he was drunk but a pair of hands held him in place as Kaidan leaned into the kiss.

The Major's lips expertly moved against his own, teeth gently tugging on his bottom lip. James attempted to mimic the actions. Kissing a man was so different than kissing a woman. Then Kaidan parted his lips to allow his tongue to skim James' lips. His hand came to rest in the soft mess of curls that was Kaidan's hair while the other rested on the curve of Alenko's rear. There was an insistent tug on his lower lip, signaling Kaidan's desire for James to part his lips and drawing a needy whimper from James.

He sensed a rumble in Kaidan's chest, possibly a sign of approval at the noise. He pulled his superior closer and leaned back onto the bed.

'Well this was going to be a learning curve' He thought as things escalated from simply testing the waters to something entirely different. But at least this answered his question, he definitely liked men as well.


	16. Hello Old Friend

**I am going though a Jack phase at the moment.**

* * *

Jack surveyed her old cell, her home when she'd been a kid. Where Cerberus had started molding her into a killing machine, making her the woman she was today.

21 years.

21 years since she'd been snatched and brought here. A scared, little girl who had cried for her mother nightly. The cell was exactly how she remembered it, ingrained deeply on her mind and past of being used, tortured and cast aside.

The blood stain in the corridor, her first kill of many that day, first of thousands in her life. The man begging for his life as she lifted him up with her Biotics and flung him into the ground, breaking bones, crushing organs, making blood splatter over the wall in a mesmerizing pattern.

Her bed. How she would tie the bedding around her wrists and ankles. How she would break free, pretending they were the restraints in the scary room, where they would strap her down and use knives and needles on her.

Her window, looking out into the canteen, where the other kids would be, which she'd bang on until she broke the bones in her hands or shouted herself hoarse, hoping, praying for the other kids to acknowledge her. But they always would ignore her, fuelling her hatred of them. Only recently did she know that it was another part of Cerberus' torture, the window really being a one-way window.

Her desk, her friend. Where she would hide. Where she would curl up underneath and cry, she remembered having to be dragged out from underneath, screaming and kicking.

Just then Jack remembered something. She glanced to check whether Shepard or Jacob were behind her. The Cerberus operative looked genuinely disgusted by his boss' actions. Shepard had taken him outside the room, speaking quietly to him. Jack knew Shepard was slowly turning the Cerberus crew against The Illusive Man, turning the soft ones first, especially Jacob since he already had doubts about the organization.

Carefully she opened the lower drawer of the desk, making sure not to draw attention. Jack couldn't help but let a rare smile cross her lips as she saw her ancient friend.

Charlie, an almost threadbare stuffed rabbit toy, the remaining brown fur faded. Jack picked up her old toy carefully, like a newborn baby, then held it close to her chest, cuddling Charlie. With the majority of the fur missing, it was scratchy against her skin but she did not care.

"Jack? Ready to nuke this place?" Shepard's voice made her glad she had her back to him. She had a reputation to uphold, she was a killer bitch. Killer bitches did not cuddle their old teddy.

"Yeah I am." Shepard walked away with Jacob to bring in the nuke. Jack glanced at Charlie and put the rabbit back into the drawer then closed it gently. She'd wait in the shuttle with the Nuke's trigger.

Later she was returning to her little part of the ship after a long shower. She descended the stairs after saying her usual 'Fuck you' to the Engineers and stopped in her steps when she saw what was sitting on her bed.

Charlie, now cleaned up, was there looking straight at her. Jack checked around for camera's or that thief before picking up Charlie and hugging her old friend, giving the rabbit a good scratch between the ears.

In her bliss she made a mental note to find Shepard, fucking punch him then thank him.

* * *

**Yes I know, Cerberus wouldn't have let her keep her teddy, just roll with it.  
Update on my Profile about the Sequel to Dirty,Little Secret for those wondering when it's coming.  
**


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